For the Love of Graham Crackers

I have a confession to make: I love graham crackers. I adore the soft crunch of a fresh cracker and savor every soggy bite after dipping it in a glass of milk. I savor its honey sweetness. I like the humility of a cookie that calls itself a cracker. I appreciate how its perforations make it easier to share. Most of all, I love the history of the graham cracker.

Sylvester-GrahamYou see, Dr. Graham was one weird dude. Like many a reader, he was a vegetarian, but that’s right about where the similarities end. Dr. Graham believed that eating meat, milk and spices created lust. Graham worried that the lust caused by eating tasty foods would cause people to masturbate, an activity he was sure led to disease and blindness. In an effort to develop a purer mind and body for himself and his followers, the good doctor created the Graham diet, which prescribed bland foods as a cure for an overactive sexual appetite.

Unfortunately, the Graham diet failed to produce results. Dr. Graham himself died at 57, having invented one of the most delicious cookies of all time. He’s also at least partially responsible for the creation of breakfast superstars like Apple Jacks, Pop Tarts and Eggo Waffles. The Kellogg company was started by one of Graham’s most famous followers: Dr. John Harvey Kellogg, the inventor of corn flakes.

In honor of the graham cracker and its sexy history, I’m counting down the top 6 desserts you can make with graham crackers. As a point of fact, you should know that almost all graham crackers today are made with bleached flour, an ingredient abhorred by Dr. Graham for it’s unhealthy and lust-producing qualities. So feel free to have sex (with an activity partner or by yourself) after eating a graham cracker if you feel so moved.

Top 6 Graham Cracker Desserts

6. Boston Cream Pie

Okay, so I’ve never actually eaten Boston Cream Pie. I have, however, watched Arthur and if Boston cream pie is good enough for Buster, it’s good enough for me. I’ve also read this recipe and there is not a single item in it that does not sound perfect.

boston cream pie

5. Strawberry and Banana Parfait

Plain Greek Yogurt + Strawberries + a Banana + Graham Crackers + Brown Sugar (if you’re feeling dangerous)

I make this all the time when I want something sweet but don’t necessarily want to eat, say, a slice of Boston cream pie. It’s mostly healthy and completely delicious and can be changed depending on what fruit you have in your kitchen. Also worth trying: substituting strawberries for peanut butter.

4. Key Lime Pie

Key lime pie is something that does not visit my belly often enough. In the dessert olympics, key lime pie would win every time. It already has a high starting value for being rare, has all the required elements (sugar, butter, sugar, and sugar), and gets 10s across the board for skill with its impressive lineup of additional ingredients.

key lime pie

3. Peanut Butter Balls

These were my favorite things to make before I was allowed to use an oven. You mix 2 tablespoons of powdered sugar together with 2 tablespoons of powdered milk (I know this sounds scary and gross but just trust me here) and then stir in 4 tablespoons of peanut butter. Roll the dough into little balls, cover them in graham cracker crumbs and then eat all 6 right away.

2. S’mores

Graham crackers + Marshmallows + Chocolate + Fire

If there was a platonic ideal for “taste of camping,” I think it would be a s’more. Do you like your marshmallows lightly toasted or burnt to a crisp?

1. Cheesecake

Sometimes it seems like cream cheese was invented for the sole purpose of baking cheesecakes. I mean really, what is cream cheese? I’ve always thought of it as fancy butter. As butter is essential to any dessert, an entire cake made out of fancy butter is obviously nothing less than out of this world.

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